One night I finally realized I’d figured things out. Not in that casual way people do when they’re really fooling themselves into carrying on whatever waste of life it is that they’re up to. You know, usual deal, mindless job, pointless friends, relationship that everyone knows is over except for the people in it. To be fair a lot of the people stuck in this predicament don’t always say they’ve figured things out. They rebrand it, ‘recharging batteries’, ‘clearing their head’, ‘promise rings’. Bullshit. Absolute and total bullshit.

Apologies if I’m talking about you friend but hey what good am I, as a professional translating observer of life happenings, if I’m not describing what goes down?

My confidence isn’t because I feel like I know more than you. It’s because I’ve worked that job I never wanted. I’ve had that one more drink trying to dizzy myself into connecting with someone. I’ve had friends that weren’t going anywhere who out of loyalty made me feel like I wasn’t either. I’ve woken up next to a girlfriend feeling dead inside only to fall back asleep because I was afraid of starting over, afraid to be alone. On this night, as I finished my work, I felt a calm, a peaceful reassurance that I had shed all dead skins. Everything was going to be more than ok.

I asked for a little more time.

Walked out to the bathroom and saw a dangling leg dangle. Thought nothing of it as that leg had dangled many a night before.

The next morning a blurry blue badge woke me up.

No… please… please no.

I already knew tho,

NO,

I understood.

My dad was dead.

Laying there, leg still dangled, straight jacket stuck, mouth open trying to eat air he looked as if he needed a hand getting up after a cramp. My contacts weren’t in at that moment but his swollen still stiff image remains burned in my brain. Image retention is never good but it’s a whole other level of deep without sight. The man was gone.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Well for starters you call people.

I have no siblings, my mom’s on the other side of the planet and LOLRESTOFMYFAMILY.

When someone dies, especially unexpectedly you think people are going to be there for you.

Truth of the matter is, you wind up being there for them.

Everyone shocked, shook and shivered.

I was the only son. I was the only child. I was the only one.

Must have an answer for every why, for every what happened?

Of course I didn’t but you instead try to humor people by waxing poetically about the philosophy of the man lost. Some are soothed by this, others don’t care and push further as if it would make a difference. They forget that the only answer that matters is, ‘that’s it, he’s gone and isn’t coming back’. It’s ok though, grief, especially when combined with shock, is impossible to judge and I understood that.

If my life was a boat out at sea I’d say it’s capsized a few times over the last eight months but I’ve managed somehow to right the ship and as far as I can tell I’m not taking on water. I certainly have a lot more I’d like to share about this experience but for now I’ll leave it at…

it’s been an incredible everything.